Phil: Kids! Get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? We were way upstairs, just text me.
Claire: Alright, that's not gonna happen. And, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
Haley: What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil: Sorry. Oh yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart.
Haley: Thanks.
Claire: No. It's way too short. People know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.

Haley: Nana got totally wasted. It was really funny... then it was gross.

Phil: I was a 'Hall-Raiser'.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall and Oates around the country one summer. Rich girl just spoke to me. I was dating this girl. Not dating. I guess I was following her too.

Haley: Hey mom?
Claire: Yeah?
Haley: Can I have forty dollars for lunch?
Claire: Forty dollars?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: A book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Alex: Did you know fencing goes back to the 12th century?
Haley: You know what's even nerdier than fencing? knowing when it began.
Luke: I don't think you're a nerd, Alex.
Alex: Shut up dork.

Phil: Goodbye Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: No, I was lying. Because that's what Dunphy's do now, we're liars.

Haley (On Phil's old girlfriend): Oh my God, gross, I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Alex: Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike to stand up for what he believed in.
Haley: That's because no one would eat with him in the cafeteria.