Phil: Kids! Get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? We were way upstairs, just text me.
Claire: Alright, that's not gonna happen. And, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
Haley: What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil: Sorry. Oh yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart.
Haley: Thanks.
Claire: No. It's way too short. People know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.

Phil: Where's the baby oil?
Claire: It's in our bedside tab... I don't know. Find it.

Claire: If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked... I've done my job.
Phil: *Our* job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.

Phil: I'm the cool dad. That's.. that's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the web. I text. Lol: laugh out loud. OMG: Oh my God. WTF: Why the face. Um... you know. I know all the dances to High School Musical. So...

Alex: Mom! Dad!
Claire: What happened?
Alex: Luke just shot me!
Luke: I didn't mean to!
Claire: Are you okay?
Alex: No! The little bitch shot me!
(Phil laughs)

(After Luke shoots Alex with a BB gun)
Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? That's... no, no, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We we're serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we we're and now you have to follow through.
Luke: (Begins to cry) I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at two.
Phil: I can't shoot him at two. I'm showing a house at two.
Alex: What about three?

Claire: No. He's got a soccer game at three (all moving over to the calender) and then, oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at five. 4:15, you can shoot him at 4:15?
Phil: Yeah I guess that works for me.
(Luke groans)
Claire: (Writing on the calender) Shoot Luke.
Phil: Sorry, dude. It's on the calender.
Luke: Oh! Come on!

Phil: How many pairs of underwear do you have on?
Luke: One. (sighs) Six.

Phil: Hi Gloria! Beautiful dress.
Gloria: Oh, thank you, Phil!
Phil: Okay.
(Phil touches Gloria dress before Claire slaps his hand away.)
Claire: She says 'Phil' not 'feel'.

Phil: Lily? Isn't that going to be hard for her to say?

(Phil on Luke riding an old girl's bike)
Phil: I'm just worried about the ridicule he might get from some loud mouth bully.
Jay (to Luke): Nice bike , Sally.

Phil: Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down and do what a man's gotta do. And if the old lady don't like it... Honey! (Making sure Claire is not in ear shot)... That's too damn bad!

Phil: Am I attracted to her? Yes! Would I ever act on it? No! No way. Not while my wife is still alive.

Phil: Don't scratch anything while I'm gone. Unless it itches. That's different.

Luke: Race you to the end.
Phil: That is not a good idea... for you.

Claire: Did you ring the bell?
Dylan: I texted. She said she'd be down in a minute.
Claire: Great. Tell her I said 'Hi'.
Dylan: I will.
Phil: Dylan! D-money. Chilling with Dylan the villain. D to the y to the l...
Dylan: Hey Mr. Dunphy.
Phil: Hey, come on in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game.
Dylan: Oh, I'm not really a baseball guy. (To Claire) Haley says 'Hi.'
Claire: I was just being facetious.
Phil: Come on. I'll catch you up. Sit it. Park it. (Dylan sits on the arm of the sofa) Come on, I don't bite! (Dylan sits on the cushion and Phil barks) Kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. See that guy is the tying run. Interesting story about him. He been stuck on second base for..ever and I'm pretty sure he's going to try and steal third which is just a terrible, terrible idea. (Beat) How are you and Haley doing?

Phil: The thing about me and Jay is that our relationship has always been stuck in that primal place where it started. You know, he's the old silver back protecting its females. Then along comes this younger, stronger gorilla swinging in beating his chest. You know, naturally the ape ladies come running presenting their nice scarlet behinds. Papa ape wants to stop all that but he can't. You know, that's life. I'm not the enemy. The enemy is poachers.

Phil: (After Jay hits him in the face with a model airplane) I was in a plane crash!

Phil: Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible, asterisk. Um, he's not the, he's not a talker, or, or hugger. Once he ran over my foot with his car. But in his defense, he had just given up smoking, but basically we're buds.

Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot.

Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Phil: Things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like east coast west coast, yo.

Phil: I was a 'Hall-Raiser'.
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall and Oates around the country one summer. Rich girl just spoke to me. I was dating this girl. Not dating. I guess I was following her too.

Phil (repeated): I got Gloria!

(After Dylan sings his song 'In the Moonlight')
Claire: She's so not going.
Phil: Not a chance in hell.

Claire: Where are you?
Phil: I'm showing a house.
Claire: What house?
Phil: (Long Pause) I'm golfing.

Principal: Apparently, there was some name calling and shoving on the playground and by the time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay: Luke, that's not like you.
Principal: Wait a minute, you're Luke's father?
Jay: Grandfather.
Principal: So Manny's father is...?
(Phil points to Jay)
Gloria: Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fighting.
Principal: Okay,(pointing to Luke) you're...?
Claire: He's our son.
Jay: And my grandson.
Claire: (Pointing to Jay) I'm his daughter.
Principal: (Pointing to Manny) So you're...?
Manny (gesturing to Luke): His uncle.

(About Gloria and Claire)
Phil: I just hate it when my two girls fight.
Claire: How exactly is she your girl?

Jay: You know this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug: so people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug then you got a lumpy rug. Creates a tripping hazard. You open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Phil: Claire likes to say, 'you can be part of the problem or part of the solution.' I happen to believe you can be both.

Phil: Gloria, we all know you'd be fine without underwear.

Phil: You're probably one of those beautiful women who don't even know it.
Gloria: No, I know it.

Gloria: What do I have to give back so that everyone trust me? Huh? These earrings? (She takes them off)
Phil and Claire: No.
Gloria: This bracelet. (She takes that off as well.)
Phil and Claire: No.
Gloria: This dress?
Claire: No.
(Phil just stares.)

Phil: This navigation system's all messed up. It thinks we're in a park. OH MY GOD! IT IS A PARK! AWAY FROM THE KIDS! AIM FOR THE LAKE!

Claire: Do you really want to race me? I ran a half marathon last year.
Phil: Wow. I'm half scared.

Phil: I read it only takes 10,000 hours to achieve excellence. You've already got like, what? How many hours playing ball?
Luke: Well, I've played, like, one season. So, like, 6,000 hours.
Claire: Yeah, I can see why you ruled out math.

Phil: I can sell a fur coat to an Eskimo.

Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em. Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters,like, seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...Except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so...shh. Do have an image to maintain.I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?

Phil: You have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete.

Phil: Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?

Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box.
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

Phil: I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.

Phil: Goodbye Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: No, I was lying. Because that's what Dunphy's do now, we're liars.

Phil: I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Phil: Don't talk black to me!

Phil: This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

Phil(to Claire): You're all the porn I need.

Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

Phil: You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Phil: Luke, that is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard, just now she works for us.

Phil: Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.

Phil: My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does.

Phil: One day I'm gonna be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.

Phil: I was gonna tell Claire about the dog. I was just waiting until she was in the right mood. Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago... but I cashed that in for something else.

Cameron: Did you hear that woman screaming my name?

Mitchell: That was Phil. He had a Red Bull.

Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil: A Realtor's just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere. But not me. I'm completely clueless.

Phil: What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business!

Phil: Ordinarily I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium? That's when I get a little... nuts. It's a free country right? Let's just say it Ruffles me when some Goobers tell me I have to spend my half my PayDay on their hot dogs.

Phil: It's the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Phil: Note to Claire, if you want intense family drama, rent spy kids.

Phil (On Jay): Do you think he had his butt done too? It looks fantastic.

Phil: "My wife won't let me go to Vegas." Trust me that is not a phone call you want to make to a group of ex-college male cheerleaders. They will mock you with a hurtful rhythmic taunt.